REALIGNING FRIENDSHIPS

In the months since Libby died, I’ve learned about a lot of life changes that you can’t really prepare yourself for following the death of a spouse. One of those things is how some friendships may change. I suspect that the same thing happens when couples divorce. I didn’t give much thought to categories of friends when Libby was alive – pretty much putting everybody whom we related to as a couple into the same bucket of friends. In this phase of my life, however, there has been some realignment into different categories. Others may not experience things the same way, but my realignment experience may help some people deal with future losses.

Some friends fit into an essentially unchanged bucket. In general, they were people who met me before Libby (in some cases, long before), accepted us both, and have remained major sources of support. These friends have really helped me get through a difficult time – and, in some cases, this isn’t the first difficult time they’ve seen me through.

I’ve found that the situation has changed with some of Libby’s long-time good friends. They shared a history and intensity in their friendships that I could not intrude upon in fairness to them. While they welcomed me as Libby’s husband, I was never a part of their lives without her. While they have been supportive, and some check in on occasion, these are not people who have maintained anything that resembles a close friendship. If I am honest with myself, I have to say that I would probably treat them the same if the situation were reversed. It’s a change that I am learning to accept.

The most challenging group are those who only knew us as a couple. The thing that makes it challenging is that many don’t know how to react (which I think mirrors the situation for friends of a divorcing couple). Because they didn’t know me as a separate individual, a number of them are uncomfortable and awkward about how much they want me to be part of their lives. When they do interact with me, it tends to be at a superficial level. I’ve found that it’s my job to make them feel comfortable.

It’s a job that I’ve been willing to do. I’ve found that one of the difficult tasks of being a widower, but also one of the most rewarding, is to restore a normal level of friendship by asking them about their children or grandchildren or their recent travels or surgery. I’ve found it helpful to discuss with them whether it makes sense for me to stay in an apartment that I love and holds many memories, as opposed to moving to a smaller and less expensive place.

In other words, one of the things that has helped me to realign that set of relationships is to normalize those relationships – by asking for and giving advice and being willing to include them in my life and not making our interactions too heavy or based on my changed marital status. Getting back to being a friend has been helpful to me and helpful to my friends.